A Prescription for Healing

By Cynthia L. Ingraham

"There's nothing sadder to me than people who have given up their individuality in exchange for love," radio love expert Audrey Chapman tells heart-hurt listeners in a "sistah-to-sistah" tone. "The price is too high to pay."

She's Washington, D.C.'s righter of relationships, every bit as poignant as the more widely known "Dr. Laura." Chapman's books — Mansharing: Dilemma or Choice; Entitled to Good Loving: Black Men and Women and the Battle for Love and Power ; and Getting Good Loving: How Black Men and Women Can Make Love Work — peel apart black love as deftly as one might an orange. Those titles keep her on a regular circuit of speeches and workshops throughout the country. Also, her solid, sensitive wisdom for the faint-hearted has landed her on Oprah, Sally Jessy Raphael and BET Tonight with Tavis Smiley.

On the radio, the Northern Virginia psychotherapist, brings love lore to the mike with an evangelist's fervor. "No matter how appealing a partner is, it's important that you also love yourself, respect yourself, know how to trust what you know and be there for yourself," is what listeners hear on the Howard University WHUR-FM Saturday morning Audrey Chapman Show.

"Being on the radio happened quite by accident," Chapman said. Eighteen years ago, she went on Howard's radio station to promote an upcoming workshop. The audience liked her. The commercial station's bosses liked what they heard, too. The popularity of self-help books and self-empowerment workshops in the 1980s made Chapman's message an easy sell. Chapman became a regular. "I went on the program each week for about twenty minutes to discuss life's issues at first," she said. "Then I did a topic on relationships that generated a big response."

In an hour, Chapman's more than 3.5 million listeners plow through an array of relationship and emotional issues, from fidelity to sexuality to family concerns. Sometimes she interviews authors of novels that explore the African-American experience or relationships and self-help topics. Chapman talks about relationships shown in movies, too.

A frequent assignment for the listeners of the program is homework on self. "Understand that you do have choices with everyone you relate to," Chapman emphasizes. "Even though people come into your life and they present all kinds of stories to you, and even gifts and packages, you still have choices about whether you will participate [in a relationship] or not."

"I think the show is very informative," shares Charles Martin (left), 59, a D.C. transit worker. "Most things that she talks about help you through everyday life and [situations] you run into during the week." The views of listeners are what count.

Unlike most university radio stations, Howard's WHUR is a for-profit business. The money-making goal causes managers to measure every program's impact. The audience for The Audrey Chapman Show is industrious and diverse.

Data shows Chapman's male-to-female caller ratio is nearly even. That's unusual, especially considering that women make up about 58 percent of the listening audience. "The average listener is said to be a woman, single and never married or single-divorced, between the ages of 30-45, with a college education," shares Chapman. In other words, the love doctor faces a tough crowd.

The educated market of listeners means money. More than a quarter of the listeners pull down more than $75,000. Another 25 percent have household incomes between $35,000 and $50,000. More than 20 percent earn between $50,000 and $75,000. Money aside, the numbers show black men and women are looking for a connection, for clarity and direction.

"We as African Americans have a forum to come to or call into and ask [questions] about situations that we are going through," says Nadine Baylor (right), a thirty-something operations assistant with a D.C. medical provider.

"She makes a point to be frank. When people call they know that whether they are right or wrong, they're going to hear the truth," adds Baylor.

Calvin Jones (left), a 54-year-old, Metro Bus driver listens regularly. "The topic on fidelity was very interesting to me," he says. "I feel that women can hurt men just like men can hurt women. Some people cannot accept that they were not meant for each other."

Given that men and women often approach their interactions with one another differently and frequently do not communicate candidly, the radio program provides a chance for both sides to hear what the other is thinking. Male callers to the program contribute a rare glimpse into the male psyche, and afford Chapman a platform to showcase what she witnesses in her counseling practice each week. "Black men like sharing their problems and remaining anonymous," she states. "Clearly men are concerned [about love and relating], and you can hear the sincerity in their voice, the worry in their voice, the pain in their voice."

Theresa Caldwell, Chapman's producer, adds, "Many callers, especially the men, have said how fair she is. A lot of the men say what they like about the show is that there's no man-bashing."

Baylor agrees: "The thing I like about the gentlemen who call in is they are open and honest. They say things sometimes that I am really shocked to hear them say. I think we sometimes have this view that men don't care or that things just don't [bother] them."

Jones provides an example of Chapman's impact on male listeners. "The show helps men learn what they may be doing wrong or need to do [right] to satisfy a woman," he says. "If a man doesn't get it right the first time, he needs to keep trying."

The Chapman Show unveils the reality that the stigma of being unattached is something that affects both men and women. Many listeners are couples who have found themselves together out of convenience, and not necessarily because of love. A frequent question Chapman asks of the men and women callers who remain in relationships they find unsatisfying is — "Why?"

Why are you staying with a woman who does not respect you?

Why are you remaining in a relationship with a man who beats you?

What are you teaching your children about love when they see you and your partner fighting, arguing and hurting each other?

Many answer with stinging honesty, referencing the fear of being alone. "If you are not having a good relationship with yourself, you are not likely to have one with anyone else," Chapman replies.

Her "Ten Commandments of Love" guide couples on how to find and keep love (see the sidebar). Rule number one is "Love thy self."

The Chapman Show points out that spending time and becoming comfortable with oneself is key to successfully relating at any level. Appreciating and knowing yourself can help when an intimate relationship begins. Developing or improving in areas of self worth or self image are critical.

Chapman's homework assignments help listeners see the warning signs of a bad relationship before becoming trapped. For those listeners already in a relationship, who have yet to accept or appreciate themselves, Chapman suggests taking some time out to do some work on self before getting so engrossed in the relationship that it is no longer possible detect where you begin and your partner ends. Callers to the program have proven time and time again that relationships are doomed if two incomplete people try to find wholeness with each other without first finding it within themselves.

"I've learned that you can't be happy with somebody unless you're happy by yourself," admits Lorrie Coates (right), 34, a hair stylist from suburban Maryland. "She gives good information about things you should do or things you shouldn't do."

Chapman admits it's encouraging to hear African-American men and women compassionately affirm and challenge each other to think more globally and responsibly. It is not uncommon for Chapman to get callers to take a hard, honest look at themselves. She acknowledges that occasionally "on-air spankings" are required for callers who are not completely honest with themselves or about themselves. On these rare occasions, Chapman offers a more firm approach to the excavation of emotions and feelings weighing on the hearts of her listeners.

"I love to hear her because she talks with such authority," says Coates, who listens frequently. "She gets a point across [to listeners] quickly. I guess [she does this] to not tie up the lines, but I like that she does it that way."

The show is a vital link for Washington, D.C. area African Americans. Also, Chapman is heard as far south as Richmond and north to Dover, Delaware.

"I talk with people on the street about the show, as well as with some Washington Post reporters and high profile attorneys who really enjoy the program," shares Caldwell. "Couples have commented that they wake up together and listen to the broadcast."

Sheila Williamson (left), 39, a human resource manager from Silver Spring, Maryland, said, "When I'm on my way to work listening to the program and hear something that I think my friends can benefit from, I'll call them on my cellular phone and tell them to turn on The Audrey Chapman Show."

Chapman plays down the "love doctor" label. She says she is an "advocate" for more black love. The process begins with conversations like the ones on her show.

"This enables us to have less pain, less blame, less shame and more love," she said. "I also try to bring some realness to relationships."

As far back as slavery, the African-American family has been systematically severed. Often women have been raised to be very independent, assertive and outspoken.

A large number of men have been reared to be the protector and yet they have frequently been coddled by many of the females in their lives. The end result is often two adults uniting after years of conditioning to behave in a manner that is the complete opposite of how society expects them to behave. Compound the situation with the realities of dysfunctional families, and the final scenario is often two adults having temper tantrums about what they feel entitled to receive.

Chapman's Getting Good Loving addresses "The Entitlement Syndrome." That's what she calls the barriers of selfishness and misunderstanding.

"You can't expect someone to come in and clean up the messes you have left over from your childhood," Chapman explains. "When a man or a woman meets someone, they expect to get everything they need from that person. That person is expected to provide everything, and how can anyone provide all of that? Too often people are not taking responsibility [for themselves] and are putting the [blame] on each other. They are being irresponsible and at the same time they want the other guy to pick up the tab."

"I listen to her show and wonder how much better my marriage would have been if I had known these things before," laments Baylor. "I feel my husband and I are coming closer together [now]. For me it's like going to counseling, but on the radio."

Chapman comments that, "so many people call in and there is this real confusion about what love is. Love should not hurt, it should not fear, it should not humiliate, it should not frighten you to death, it shouldn't do any of those things." So it goes.

Saturday at 8 a.m., the D.C. area becomes a village of healing. Chapman sits in a soundproof booth behind a mike earning her stripes as the "love advocate" for the black masses. With the recent spiritual awakening taking place around the country, many more questions come up about the future state of relationships between African-American men and women.

Chapman says the increased sales of books about African-American relationships signal a hunger for knowledge, too. The next century might find African Americans in more loving liaisons. Meanwhile, the mending is already underway.